Here we go again.

~ Philippians 4:8-9

8-9Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

It just doesn’t work. No wonder I’m so resentful to go to church, or read the bible. ‘What about prayer, Dan?’. The only thing I have – but nothing’s driven me to actually do it.

I have not been able to fight back against the negative energy I’ve had, which has had an effect on my spiritual, physical and emotional behaviour. It’s me vs. a demon/devil himself? I’ve been smacked, packed with negative thinking. I have been handling this the wrong way. Here I am, typing out to this vulnerable ignorant world, who doesn’t give a flying *insert swear word*. I don’t I think should be posting such negative stuff. Again – I’m being arrogant and negative!

No one will be useful – only God – but he’s just sitting there weeping with me. Should I go running to him? Been there, done that. My answer is obvious: no.

Talking about ‘no’, I’ve said ‘no’ to every opportunity I’ve been given – by God or not. Church? No. Acting? No. Getting friends? No. Cheer up? No. Shut up? No. Go away? NO.

It feels on the level of paranoia and depression. This is not me. I’m changing, thanks to the Devil. He’s attacking every moment in my head. And it hurts. You’re human – you won’t agree or understand;
~ fire alarms constantly sound in my head night and day.
~ Anxiety levels go high, especially in school, even though I seem confident.
~ Procrastination: I shouldn’t been on the computer all day having a banter! I should be… getting a life. I should be doing what the above bible verse says, really.
~ Upsetting people: I have failed to please people. I have lost some important people.
~ Being too vigilant: Sometimes I wish people would stop looking at me, or at times, stop back-stabbing me. I keep thinking people stare at me even though they’re not. I keep worrying about what people think of me, but then I get this moment where I say, “as if I give a damn”. I’m such a wimp. I have no sense of adventure or being silly – I keep observing the “healthy and safety risks” all the time.

I’ve just about said it, really, I don’t know if it was clear.

But there’s no other way of expressing it – just why the internet? I need to get communicating with people again. That’s going to be impossible. There’s just no real opportunity for me. I just have to keep piling up one hellish event after another.

On downwards I go…

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