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Church or not to Church?

I really need to get back to Church. In the past, I disliked how every 7 days you went back and just did the same old routine – getting spiritually cleansed, have an interesting sermon or discussion at Sunday School; you then make a ‘oath’ not to try and sin through words or deeds… we are dismissed then we go and sin for another week (or not!) and we ask for a second chance? Well, some people go every week. So that’s way over 100 weeks worth asking for forgiveness, but nothing ever changes. Well not for me, anyway. For me, church just brings me a closer sense of God. It makes me think about issues that are having an effect on me – emotionally, physically, spiritually. Over time, I’ve felt the lesser need for asking for forgiveness because I just know I’ll come back unclean – again. WHAT IS THE POINT?!

At the same time, though, I have felt upset and a little bit guilty for not going to church for nearly a year. I’ve been selfish using the time that I could’ve gone to Church. But, I know that I’m always welcomed (by the lovely people who go to Church and obviously God) to join in the services again. I need go back to build my spiritual ground again.

If that didn’t make sense, very sorry, because I also feel like my opinion is not making sense!

Here are bible quotes:

…Hebrews 10:25
Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (NIV)…

…Romans 12:5
… so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. (NIV)…

…1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (NIV)…

…Hebrews 13:17
Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you. (NIV)…


Here we go again.

~ Philippians 4:8-9

8-9Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

It just doesn’t work. No wonder I’m so resentful to go to church, or read the bible. ‘What about prayer, Dan?’. The only thing I have – but nothing’s driven me to actually do it.

I have not been able to fight back against the negative energy I’ve had, which has had an effect on my spiritual, physical and emotional behaviour. It’s me vs. a demon/devil himself? I’ve been smacked, packed with negative thinking. I have been handling this the wrong way. Here I am, typing out to this vulnerable ignorant world, who doesn’t give a flying *insert swear word*. I don’t I think should be posting such negative stuff. Again – I’m being arrogant and negative!

No one will be useful – only God – but he’s just sitting there weeping with me. Should I go running to him? Been there, done that. My answer is obvious: no.

Talking about ‘no’, I’ve said ‘no’ to every opportunity I’ve been given – by God or not. Church? No. Acting? No. Getting friends? No. Cheer up? No. Shut up? No. Go away? NO.

It feels on the level of paranoia and depression. This is not me. I’m changing, thanks to the Devil. He’s attacking every moment in my head. And it hurts. You’re human – you won’t agree or understand;
~ fire alarms constantly sound in my head night and day.
~ Anxiety levels go high, especially in school, even though I seem confident.
~ Procrastination: I shouldn’t been on the computer all day having a banter! I should be… getting a life. I should be doing what the above bible verse says, really.
~ Upsetting people: I have failed to please people. I have lost some important people.
~ Being too vigilant: Sometimes I wish people would stop looking at me, or at times, stop back-stabbing me. I keep thinking people stare at me even though they’re not. I keep worrying about what people think of me, but then I get this moment where I say, “as if I give a damn”. I’m such a wimp. I have no sense of adventure or being silly – I keep observing the “healthy and safety risks” all the time.

I’ve just about said it, really, I don’t know if it was clear.

But there’s no other way of expressing it – just why the internet? I need to get communicating with people again. That’s going to be impossible. There’s just no real opportunity for me. I just have to keep piling up one hellish event after another.

On downwards I go…


Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

EVERYTHING, about Doctor Who. Specifically the way it drops hints (or sub-plots, to be more technical) scattered throughout the 11/12/13 consecutive episodes until there’s a big climax toward the end of the series. It’s simply amazing.

I have lots and lots and lots of Doctor Who-style ideas running around in my head. I fail so bad to actually get them written. I’m not going to say whether they’re good or not – that’s for you to decide (yes, I know, you hardly know what I’m on about. Sorry!)

So yeah, seems I’m totally in love with Doctor Who.


Your Favourite Companion

I can tell you that instantly: Rose Tyler. Beautiful acting, beautiful girl. It makes me feel “sick”, thinking back to all the episodes she’s appeared on, and really, above all others, I’d honestly prefer her to be on the screen. But I’m not at all disrespecting Catherine Tate’s Donna Noble character, nor Martha or Karen Gillan. They are all equally as good – just, I think I feel more connected to Billie Piper’s interpretation of a Doctor’s companion.

Sadly, she’s had to move on. That’s one life lesson learnt, I guess…

Something that just struck me…


Just found this while curiously searching at ‘Christian’ posts on the blogging site Tumblr. Nothing’s directly helped me, but I think I’m slowly getting somewhere…

Over the last few weeks, or months I should put, I have been extremely wobbily and confused about my faith’s health.

  • I haven’t been to Church since around April/May.
  • I have been trying to fight off my pyschological problems that I helplessly suffer from – help from my lovely cousin didn’t work, this has led me onto feeling a sense of:
  • Betrayal. I listen to everyone who’s Christian, but then I seem to forget. It all comes down to my negative thinking. Additionally, on the 10th October 2010 (yes, 10/10/10) I was confirmed. That was my own choice. That was my destiny. I’ve gone back to the start. I haven’t been as committed as I first thought I would’ve been. It seems why deeds, words, actions, have all gone to waste. I’ve upset and lost a best friend (keeping that deeply person) who I could’ve made Christian. But no. God has let us have a bad relationship, back into our bad ways.
  • Just crap. Utter crap.
  • Praying – I fail so bad. I lie. I say I’ll pray but I don’t. I mean, come on, I deserved to be punished. I’m such a disappointment.
  • I just don’t know what to do. I’m sitting waiting for God to do something. I can’t shout out – I only get these strong negative images again.
  • I’m trapped.
  • Help? 😦

I am NOT asking for sympathy.


 Your Favorite Doctor

Hmm… thinks… my favourite Doctor would have to be Matt Smith, followed by David Tennant, Christopher Eccleston, etc. I know, I must be one of those people who like new things. Which is true. But I don’t rate them by favouritism. I only put Matt Smith’s doctor as no.1 because of how well he’s interpreted his own Doctor and how his acting is just superb!

Matt Smith is a real inspiration to me. And so is DT. I think they’ve really helped my acting interest, and as to the whole production of Doctor Who, I’ve been absolutely interested in becoming a writer – not necessarily in the genre of Sci-Fi.

So yeah, there’s a little bit about my favourite Doctor. Too bad I won’t waffle on about the epicness of Matt Smith!

DR WHO 30 day Challenge: Day 3

 Favorite New Series Episode

This is a difficult one. Goodness knows. I’m thinking.

I think it will have to be… Series Episodes 12 & 13 ( I know it’s two, but same storyline)